It is difficult for me to say “no”.
It is easy for me to put myself in someone else’s shoes.
In relationships, I tend to be an over-giver.  
I expect that others show gratitude when I help and support them.
If I don’t do it, who will? 
And then there is the fear that they won’t like me if I say no!  
My days are too because I am doing additional tasks for others.

If you can say “yes” to most of these statements, it is certain than you will score highly for the Pleaser saboteur. We all have saboteurs. They show up in different shapes and forms and circumstances. The basis of the saboteurs is our individual strengths. The reason why we call it ‘saboteur’ is that these strengths turn negative if they get out of control. It’s as simple as that.

Clearly, it is pleasant to be surrounded by a Pleaser. Pleasers are very considerate people, who show a high level of care towards others. Pleasers are the kind of people who will always will say “yes” if you need them. Regardless of whether you ask for support on a work project or need to talk, they will be there and put you first. Pleasers are empathic, loving and giving. They can easily put themselves in other people’s shoes and often have a high level of self-awareness and rate high in emotional intelligence. 

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? So why do we call it a saboteur and what are the unfavourable aspects of this personality trait? 

In most circumstances, saboteurs are our home-made stress source. When you have a strong Pleaser side, if we don’t manage to say “no” to other’s expectations and needs, we will constantly be driven by their priorities, timetables and emotions, which leaves us under enormous pressure. This leads to disregarding our own needs, which results in an emotionally, physically, or financially downward spiral. The long-term impact could be, among other things, high stress levels, burnout symptoms and/or a constant feeling of unfulfillment or dissatisfaction.

As already mentioned, from the outside it is very easy to work with Pleasers. Nevertheless, some people might sense a lack of authenticity in Pleasers which causes them to pull back from them. This way Pleasers get exactly the opposite of what they are aiming for (love and attention).

In my coaching practice I am fortunate to witness my clients becoming aware of their saboteur’s impact on themselves and others.

A manager I have been coaching recently discovered that his Pleaser saboteur is harming the development of his team members. Instead of delegating tasks to team members, he feels obligated to do the tasks himself as he assumes (clear assumption, no reality check done!) that his team members are already overloaded. He found out that the team depends too much on him as they are used to having him help solve their issues and having him step in if needed. In the relationship to his own manger, he is not sharing his own concerns and challenges, but instead, he accepts additional task assignments as he wants to please his boss - A clear dilemma, which results in inner stress. 

Another leader I have been working with has established that the Pleaser saboteur is responsible for his time management issue. Some of his team members are using him constantly and intensively as a sounding board for their work and personal relationship issues, leading to endless unscheduled discussions and incomplete work. He realised that he might not be the right discussion partner for their private relationship matters and that he wants to develop his team members so they can resolve their own conflicts in the future. Time management issue? Really?

It’s good to know that the Pleaser saboteur is constantly looking for acceptance and affection. Self-worth depends on others and how they react. The underlying characteristics and motivation of the Pleaser saboteur is that the Pleaser has a strong need to be liked and accepted by others. To ensure this, they will make room to help, support, rescue and please others. Without clearly stating this, they might expect the same support from others in return. The tricky part of leading a person with a Pleaser saboteur is that it is difficult to spot because their inner frustration is often not expressed. Their needs are not openly and directly communicated. 

Since you know their needs (acceptance), you can help them to feed into their desire and make sure that they are getting the attention and acceptance they are looking for in a healthy way. For example, it might be useful to ensure a good team atmosphere. The other - and perhaps even more recommendable way - is to help your team member to become aware of their strengths (and the flip sides) and how they impact on self and others and by doing so, help them to develop and become more independent of other people's needs, moods and reactions. This might result in a lasting change.